First and foremost, I’m a completely and utmost loving and caring person. Even the people who have done me wrong, I still care about their well being. I won’t necessarily do things for them, but I do care and always will.
Second, I’ve overcome an eating disorder. Some may say that I brag about it, but that is far from true. I’m proud of the fact that I didn’t let it take my life and I told my eating disorder to fuck off.
2011. I was diagnosed with anorexia and exercise bulimia as well as severe anxiety and depression.
With the EDs came starving myself. I measured out everything. From a cup of cereal to counting raisins. I’d eat high fiber foods because tbh it’d make you shit. I memorized the calories of nearly everything. I’d drink a liter of water before every meal to fill me up. I made sure each “meal” took no less than 20 minutes to eat. Id thrive& get a high off of eating less than 500 cals. After “dinner” I’d always throw on my exercise belts and start working out or running til I thought what I’d ate was burned off. I’d skip going out with friends because food was involved. If I knew I was eating out I’d “save” my cals til then. I’d put on 6 layers to run in 10degree temps because being cold burned more cals. I’d only eat healthy foods but then eating a whole banana became too scary for me. Food became my enemy. Then it later turned into exercise bulimia. I could down 2 whole pizzas or over 4,000 calories and then run for 10+ miles & stayed at a size 1-2. I’d gotten so small that my hair fell out, I froze in 70 degree weather, I’d get bruises from just sitting in a hard chair, I’d hide under big clothes. It was a living hell.
With the depression came sadness. I hurt inside day in & day out. I’d cry myself to sleep every night. I never wanted to go out because I wanted to just lay in bed all day. I was alone yet surrounded by people. I wanted people to feel just how bad i felt inside every day. Depression is depression.
My anxiety was the worst for me. I’d tell myself I had to eat, but it’d tell me that I couldn’t because I’d get fat. It made me want to always have someone’s attention because if I didn’t it meant I didn’t mean anything. It made me ask questions about everything because I needed to know what was going on & had to know everything. Going out in public was horrible bc there were so many people. It made me feel like even those who loved me, hated me. It made me feel victimized & like everyone was out to get me. If I made one mistake I’d feel bad abt it for a long time. Perfectionism was my life. Arriving on time was arriving 15 min late for me, so Id have to arrive anywhere 20+ min early. I had to have reassure that what I was doing was right.
But once you add all of those together…it’s a complete and giant mess. I’d want to make others feel bad bc I hurt so bad that I wanted them to feel my pain. But I also never wanted to intentionally hurt someone especially if I loved them. Id make up lies to make people feel bad for me. I’d make things seem worse than they were. I’d panic about the least little thing and have the worst panic attacks. Id planned out to kill myself 3 times with pills. I researched how many it’d take to make me stop breathing in my sleep.
Eating disorders aren’t about weight. It’s about control. I wanted control over my life. And since I couldn’t control how things were going, I could however, control what I did or didn’t eat.
I just wanted someone to prove to me and show me that I was worth it. I wanted someone to fight to be in my life because they really loved me. I wanted someone to love me in the way I couldn’t love myself. I wanted someone to stay forever and keep their promises to me.
I decided to chose recovery because I hated seeing it hurt my friends and family and knowing they couldn’t do anything about It. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. “Ana” had become my best friend. She was the reason I got up every day and moved. She told me I had to move bc that meant burning cals. She was the one I turned to when I felt like there was no one else. Ana was my entire world and I loved her. We were one. But I knew I needed to let her go because she wasn’t good for me. I tried. It was SO hard. It was a constant battle to not listen to her. But I slowly did it. But I found that I was fooling myself. Everyone kept saying I “recovered” from an ED, but I knew I wasn’t because it was only getting worse in my head. Everything was changing, things were happening, and I felt like I was losing everyone I loved dearly…I didn’t know what to do. I was just sick in the head and pushing people away was my defense mechanism because Ana was the one I really needed to thrive. And thats when I needed someone to be there for me the most. Ana was slowly taking over again and no one realized it bc I didn’t look like it from the outside.
Looking back, I have no idea who I was during that time. It’s a time I don’t like to dwell on because the past is the past and I cannot change a thing that happened.
However, in having and eating disorder, it taught me so much about life. It made me appreciate everything even more than I already did. I learned to love and appreciate every day I’m given to live on this Earth. I had a purpose
With my eating disorder, also came the loss of friends who said they’d be there for me forever. I never thought recovering, would come with a cost like that, but it made me even stronger in the end. Not to mention, so much happier. It’s never easy making your mind comes to terms with what your heart feels, but you have to do it for yourself and to better your own life.
As odd as it may sound, my eating disorder was a blessing in disguise. It almost killed me, but I came out alive. The only thing I count these days are reps. I eat whatever I want I’m confident in my body, I love myself, and I have a desire to live life to the fullest
The saying the strongest warriors come from the hardest battles can come into play here. My ED lead me to realize I have so much potential and will go on to do great things and that I don’t need anyone to make me happy as long as I make myself happy. I’m studying to become a psychologist and eventually an ED specialist. I have forgiven myself and others and life is amazing and I’ve never been happier.