Calorie Aspergers, Starvation Addiction, and Getting to the Bone

 

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Given that I’m usually not up to date with the new and upcoming shows, movies, and Netflix addictions, I had never idea what people were talking about when they started talking about “To the Bone.” I soon realized that it was a Netflix movie about a girl who suffered with Anorexia and the trials and tribulations of getting help and getting into treatment.

Some people said that it kind of sucked and that there was  “love story” in it. Others said that it was just a trigger. Some said it was the best one they had ever seen that portrayed anorexia. Upon watching it on Sunday, I can conclude that I am one of the latter people.

Don’t get me wrong, I did bawl my eyes out at some parts and laughed my ass off at others. And did y’all get a look at her therapist? Not to mention how cool he was. Like, can I be him? lol

There were some things within the movie that just hit so close to home for me.

I spent too many years of my  life battling Anorexia (which would later become exercise Bulimia) and To the Bone just hit so many key points involved in eating disorders.

(If you haven’t watched it yet, there may be some spoiler alerts!)

One of things I picked up on was “calorie aspergers.” They would use the term when talking about how the main character, Ellen, was obsessing over calories. I, too, obsessed over them. I can still tell you the serving size and amount of calories in a Hershey kiss (23), a cup of Walmart brand toasted oats (110), a small red apple (80), and the list goes on. I knew the calorie count of every little piece of food that went in my mouth. Calorie aspergers was a living Hell. I no longer count calories. The only thing I’m measuring is if the piece is too big to fit into my mouth. Calories, Smalories. Who cares? I don’t. I literally eat anything I want and give no cares in the world about it.

One thing that the “counselor” said was “Starving yourself can make you feel euphoric. Like a drug addict or alcoholic. It’s not about thin enough. It doesn’t exist. What you crave is the numbing of what you don’t want to feel.” My god, that statement was truer than true. Every time I refused to eat and sat there literally dying of hunger, I would feel a sense of pride and satisfaction. It made me feel good. Even though I suffered from tremendous migraines, dizziness, fatigue, and the like, I still felt “good.”

Looking back, I honestly have no idea how I could go without food for so long. These days, if I go without food for too long I get a headache and I know I have to find food soon. It’s no longer a “I’ve haven’t eaten in three hours, what’s another 3” mindset for me. It’s more like I haven’t eaten in four hours, where is the FOOD?!

During the movie, one of the women is pregnant while suffering with Anorexia(Megan). I’d also like to point out that the actress playing the role, Leslie Bibb, is from VA. WOOP. Anywho, she makes it to 12 weeks and thinks that she will actually carry to full term. Those dreams are crushed when they find her in the bathroom after having a miscarriage. I’ve known several people who have miscarried while suffering from Anorexia. I don’t even want to imagine how it feels when you feel like you’ve killed your own child because you weren’t even taking care of yourself, much less nourishing them.  Even at the age of 17/18, the thought of having children and having an eating disorder just were terrifying. Even after recovering, it’s still a part of why I don’t really want to have children.

Another thing that truly struck home was that she was obsessed with doing crunches in bed. I also did crunches. Sometimes I would do upwards of 2,000 crunches a day. TWO THOUSAND CRUNCHES PEOPLE. I still did not get a toned stomach or even abs. I did get a bruised and sore back though. Not to mention, I had my waist belt on as I did them because I thought that putting it around my waist would help me to lose the “fat.”  Now? I hardly ever work abs and I’m more “toned” than I have ever been in my life. I say “toned” because ya girl got some jiggle and she’s not afraid to say it.

The MAIN thing that stood out to me was the fact that she would wrap her hand around her arms to see if they were getting any smaller. It became her thing. She’d constantly measure her arm. I kept thinking back to when I would do that. Except for me, it wasn’t just my arms. I not only need one hand to perfectly cup my arm, but I also needed my two hands to easily cup around my thigh. I did this act every day, multiple times a day. And trust me, just like Ellen, my arms and thighs became small enough for me to accomplish my “goal.” It’s a sick goal to have, isn’t it? I just couldn’t stop though.

These days I have found my love of fitness and weight lifting and the bigger, the better for me. I used to want to be so small because it was like being perfect while simultaneously barely existing. Now I want muscles. I want my body to be just as strong as my mind. After all, it takes all the strength you have in order to choose recovery, and work your ass off every day to get there, but I finally did it. I’m can honestly say that I’m proud of how far I’ve come and how strong I’ve became over the years. Never ever tell me that eating disorders are a “choice” or that it’s for “attention,” because I might just right hook ya.

This movie was absolutely amazing in my opinion and Lily Collins did a fantastic job. It made me so much more passionate about wanting to become a therapist and help those that need to be helped.

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