I Woke Up in Knoxville

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If you’re into country music, you may already see the resemblance of the title of this blog to a song by Seth Ennis. “Woke up in Nashville”

Let me just fan girl for a minute because when I first heard him on YouTube a while back I was hooked. Then his song/s became popular on Pandora and my local radio stations and I’m still not tired of it yet….even with constantly playing them all lol. Not to mention, I got to see him in concert July 8th

(Picture from the concert – P.S. release your new songs you sang because ya girl has poor quality videos and can’t remember the lyrics lol)

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His song “Woke up in Nashville” is about leaving behind his ex flame/life to pursue his music career in Nashville. It was once he got there and started living his life and pursing music that he realized what he left behind had been the “real dream.” So it’s not about physically waking up there, it’s more like an epiphany type of waking up. (According to online sources anyway lol)

I realized that I “woke up” in Knoxville. Ironically, it’s not that far away from Nashville and ends in “ville,” so it worked out in my favor lol

If you’re one of my close friends you will understand exactly why I have titled this as such and why I say I woke up in Knoxville. But I digress since I don’t plan to go into details.

I realized quite a few things when I woke up in Knoxville. It mostly all had to do with guys that had been in my life or still were at the time. You could say that I don’t have a good rap sheet when it comes to finding the right guy who treats me how I deserve to be treated. I think it may be easier if I just put them in bullet points and then briefly explain.

SO, I woke up to the fact that…..

I deserve the love I give to others

This should be a given. I realized that I had been giving all of my love away that I didn’t have much love left for myself. I was loving people who didn’t really seem to want it nor appreciate it. Looking back, I’m honestly not sure if they ever did. Yes, you can say “I love you” to someone, but it means nothing unless you truly mean it. I honestly felt so much love for a person, but I’m not sure that I even felt half of it in return. I deserve someone who’s going to love me as much as I do them……and they’re going to not just say it to me, but SHOW ME. I deserve to hear “I love you” followed by giving me your time and showing that you really do love me.

I deserve to be someone’s FIRST choice.

Alright. I’ll say it. I’m tired of little bitch boys who are afraid of being with the person they “claim to love” or “care for”,  let others around them influence them (as if their opinions even matter), and those who can’t seem to get their shit together.

Okay, okay. Maybe saying little bitch is kind of rude, but it’s better than the other words that I was thinking as I wrote this… I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard “you’re the best friend I imagined marrying” or “I want you to meet my family” or “I’m coming to see you” or the “I’m always going to be there for you no matter what” or “I love you always. Remember that” and I’m tired of hearing it all and then not having a word of it be true. I got to hear it from multiple people who would then sleep with anything while “loving” me. That’s called being a fuckboy honestly…..

If you can say those things to someone you love/care about you, you don’t just go sleep with Tom, Dick, and Harry and act like it’s no big deal. I know their parents had to have taught them better than that, right?….

I deserve to be the only choice and not just the girl someone runs back to when they can’t find a fuck buddy or get cheated on and dumped by the girl they chose over me. Love and relationships are hard and sex is easy. I deserve someone willing to go through hard and happy times and still continue to choose me again and again, because I know I’d do the exact same for them. Shit. I DID that. Sleeping or being with someone else was NEVER on my mind, but it seems like I wasn’t even on theirs.  I deserve to be the one and not one of many. I’m not even conceded in saying that. It should be common sense, especially if you love someone and talk/envision the future with them. Imagine your dad doing that to your mom or a guy doing that to you daughter and having to see them hurt because the guy couldn’t be a man and just kept hurting her. Would you think that it was okay? If you have a heart, the answer is no.

 

I deserve honesty.

It’s sad that after the fact, I learned about even more lies that I had been unknowingly told throughout the years. Hello, I’m not stupid, I can and always have put two and two together, and I know when someone is lying to my face. I deserve the truth. I don’t deserve lies about what you’re doing, how you feel about me, who else you’re talking to, or the like. I don’t need to how you’ve lied to your parents/family about me or about where you’re going. I deserve someone who will be honest with me from the get go.

 

I don’t deserve to be used and led on.

This should be self-explanatory. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had guys lead me on, just to say “Oh. We were never a thing/never dated, so you’re just ‘being crazy’ over nothing.” Of course, this was after several months or years of acting like I was something to them and they envisioned marrying/dating me.

**Sits here and tells myself not to post screenshots saying otherwise**

 

I deserve good…

I deserve someone who actually knows how to treat a lady. You know what I mean…

 

Lastly, I deserved better.

I deserve so much better than the BS I’ve dealt with in my life. I didn’t deserve to cry myself to sleep over an insecure boy. I didn’t deserve the lies, being just an option, or used. I don’t need someone who knows about my past, yet just adds to the hurt. I definitely didn’t deserve to be the “friend” that just got fucked over. I deserve amazing things and people in my life.

I used to think “Oh, well, they were really good on the inside and they did care about me” and I’ve said everything in the book to try to make excuses as to why I always left with MY heart in pieces. I could never figure out why I was left with a broken heart again and again until I realized that I didn’t deserve it at all.

I know I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be. But when you give someone the best of you and love them so hard and they say they love you/care about you, you’d expect to at least get that in return. Hell, or for them to at least be a man and date you. Sometimes I think maybe it was “right person, wrong time” or “just wrong person, worse timing.” Who knows. I’ve had guys try coming back into my life after they had been cheated on and dumped (my girl Karma got my back) and I just feel so emotionally dead to them to be honest. Like yeah, Some I can handle being acquaintances with, but my feelings hit the shitter and left. Some I have royally cussed out and told them to go fuck themselves. Some haven’t come back recently and I honestly don’t know how I’d react if they did. Like should I let the psychologist in me handle it and see what they have to say or cuss them out too? Who knows. The biggest thing that I’ve learned is what I DON’T want in a guy.

I definitely woke up and now I can honestly say that I’m living my life in a way that makes me happy and I could care less what people think. I have my friends, family, coworkers, and of course….my fur babies.

Several years ago, I was so self conscious, intimidated, insecure, needing someone to love me and show me affection, and I felt so lost. Why? All because I focused my attention on everyone, except myself, and how they thought/felt about me. Now? I’ve fallen in love again, but this time it’s with myself. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am and there’s no where to go but forward. I no longer feel like I have to have a guy in my life that “loves” me to know that I am worthy of so much. I know my worth and I’ll never settle for anything less. My friends, remember this. You are worthy. You deserve all the love you give and then some. You are worthy of loving yourself and receiving love from others. You are you and you’re the only you there is. And that’s pretty dang great. Never put your self worth in the hands of someone else. You might find that their hands are not so gentle towards themselves, let alone you. I thought my dreams had been crushed and I’d never be happy again. Little did I know, it just meant new dreams were in the make and now I’m living them.

Life isn’t so bad after all once you realize exactly what you’re worth, love yourself for who you are, and then some.

It took me long enough,

But I woke up.

 

 

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