Just a hypocrite trying to make others happy

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I found this amazing organization called “To Love Ourselves” last year and it is such an amazing cause. Whitney created it for women to empower other women and girls. Ya see, there are these things called letter requests. A girl can request a letter for herself or a friend, family member, etc….they give a brief description of what they may be struggling with and a little bit about themselves. These letter requests are then sent out to the volunteer letter writers (hey. That’s me!) and they then write their letters and send them back to Whitney. She then collects them and ships them to the lucky lady they were written for.

http://www.toloveourselves.com

I’ve sent over 10+ letters since I started and it’s made my heart so happy. Each letter I write has their name in cursive at the top followed by a picture and a quote drawn on one side of the page and the letter written in four different colors. I’ve had so much joy writing them.

However, I had to take a step back after a while. I was writing to girls who struggle with depression, eating disorders, anxiety, the fear of unknown, family issues, self esteem and body image issues, and the infamous boy issues. Now, I’m beyond passionate about mental illness and I share my struggles with body image, self esteem, etc very openly. The one thing I don’t openly talk about much is the boy issues.

I’d write to girls going through heartbreaks and similar situations that I had experienced and after a while I just felt like a hypocrite to be honest. I’d tell these girls snippets of my experience and that they’d find an amazing guy one day and pretty much say “there were plenty of other fish in the sea” and that their day would come. Some girls were struggling to move on even months/years after the fact and there I sat.

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I sat there writing that they were amazing, they’d some day find their special someone who would love them unconditionally, and to try their best to move on because better things awaited them.

Yet, I couldn’t believe all of that for myself. Each time I read a story that sounded so similar to mine and I’d sit down to start writing them, all the memories would come flooding back in and I’d feel like shit. I realized my heart was still hurting right along with theirs and I was just trying to cover it up by making others feel better instead of myself. I was still trying to deal with guys trying to pop back up into my life after hurting me, how to deal with the new re opened wounds they had caused, and wondering if the hurt would ever just end. It’s a whole different story to say you’re over it and actually being over it. It’s hard to forget things when you’re constantly reminded of them.

I honestly HATE when people tell me that I’ll find that special someone who won’t hurt me some day and I’ll be “head over heels” for him, have children, and blah blah blah. I don’t believe in imagining what life could be like many years from now because that sets expectations that can just be unrealistic in some aspects. (I also don’t like when people have expectations of how MY life should be). Yet, there I was saying it to other ladies who may not have wanted to hear it either to be honest.

My “love life” hasn’t been a great one if we’re being honest here. I’ve never “officially” dated anyone, but man have I gotten my heart broken into pieces more times than I’d like to remember. Multiple guys. All seemed great and fantastic at first, but the masks usually fell off after a while. I would then later be hit with the “let me show you how I’m not a fuckboy and that you really do mean something to me” or the “I’m really sorry for what I’ve done to you *but let me continue to do the shit I’m sorry for.*” Some really weren’t with a second of my time, others well……who knows, maybe I’ll find someone within the next few years, maybe I’ll let someone I actually loved show me they’re now a changed person, or maybe I’ll be single for the next decade. No one knows.

However, I’ve literally just reached the point where I avoid any and all things related to romantic relationships. I’m not ready to let someone in my life like that again nor do I want to deal with everything that comes with it to be honest. Ya girl got shit to get done for herself and life is so drama free right now, ya know?! Yeah, I’ve gone on dates and talked to quite a few guys here and there but none have caught my eye enough for me to keep them around. It’s usually a talk for a while, and then I just get tired of them and lose interest type of thing. But being unapologetically single (as I like to call it) right now is what’s best for me. I’ve spent the past few years just focusing on me, what I love to do, and figuring out my passions in life. It’s okay to need to work on yourself a little more and it’s okay to admit that. I study psychology, and I sometimes forget to relate my knowledge to myself…..it’s okay to take as much time as you need to mentally heal from things, especially heart break. Do you, boo.

It’s okay to want to make others feel better, but it’s not okay to have that come at the cost of your own feelings. So I took a short hiatus from writing some wonderful women. I decided to work on myself and spend some more self care time on myself and making myself happy.

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Finally signed up to write another wonderful woman who’s in the same boat as me. I decided to steer away from the boy issues for a while and focus on the ones where I could actually give real encouragement for life’s experiences and worries.

It’s time we go and love ourselves for everything that we are and everything that we will be.

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