Just a hypocrite trying to make others happy

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I found this amazing organization called “To Love Ourselves” last year and it is such an amazing cause. Whitney created it for women to empower other women and girls. Ya see, there are these things called letter requests. A girl can request a letter for herself or a friend, family member, etc….they give a brief description of what they may be struggling with and a little bit about themselves. These letter requests are then sent out to the volunteer letter writers (hey. That’s me!) and they then write their letters and send them back to Whitney. She then collects them and ships them to the lucky lady they were written for.

http://www.toloveourselves.com

I’ve sent over 10+ letters since I started and it’s made my heart so happy. Each letter I write has their name in cursive at the top followed by a picture and a quote drawn on one side of the page and the letter written in four different colors. I’ve had so much joy writing them.

However, I had to take a step back after a while. I was writing to girls who struggle with depression, eating disorders, anxiety, the fear of unknown, family issues, self esteem and body image issues, and the infamous boy issues. Now, I’m beyond passionate about mental illness and I share my struggles with body image, self esteem, etc very openly. The one thing I don’t openly talk about much is the boy issues.

I’d write to girls going through heartbreaks and similar situations that I had experienced and after a while I just felt like a hypocrite to be honest. I’d tell these girls snippets of my experience and that they’d find an amazing guy one day and pretty much say “there were plenty of other fish in the sea” and that their day would come. Some girls were struggling to move on even months/years after the fact and there I sat.

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I sat there writing that they were amazing, they’d some day find their special someone who would love them unconditionally, and to try their best to move on because better things awaited them.

Yet, I couldn’t believe all of that for myself. Each time I read a story that sounded so similar to mine and I’d sit down to start writing them, all the memories would come flooding back in and I’d feel like shit. I realized my heart was still hurting right along with theirs and I was just trying to cover it up by making others feel better instead of myself. I was still trying to deal with guys trying to pop back up into my life after hurting me, how to deal with the new re opened wounds they had caused, and wondering if the hurt would ever just end. It’s a whole different story to say you’re over it and actually being over it. It’s hard to forget things when you’re constantly reminded of them.

I honestly HATE when people tell me that I’ll find that special someone who won’t hurt me some day and I’ll be “head over heels” for him, have children, and blah blah blah. I don’t believe in imagining what life could be like many years from now because that sets expectations that can just be unrealistic in some aspects. (I also don’t like when people have expectations of how MY life should be). Yet, there I was saying it to other ladies who may not have wanted to hear it either to be honest.

My “love life” hasn’t been a great one if we’re being honest here. I’ve never “officially” dated anyone, but man have I gotten my heart broken into pieces more times than I’d like to remember. Multiple guys. All seemed great and fantastic at first, but the masks usually fell off after a while. I would then later be hit with the “let me show you how I’m not a fuckboy and that you really do mean something to me” or the “I’m really sorry for what I’ve done to you *but let me continue to do the shit I’m sorry for.*” Some really weren’t with a second of my time, others well……who knows, maybe I’ll find someone within the next few years, maybe I’ll let someone I actually loved show me they’re now a changed person, or maybe I’ll be single for the next decade. No one knows.

However, I’ve literally just reached the point where I avoid any and all things related to romantic relationships. I’m not ready to let someone in my life like that again nor do I want to deal with everything that comes with it to be honest. Ya girl got shit to get done for herself and life is so drama free right now, ya know?! Yeah, I’ve gone on dates and talked to quite a few guys here and there but none have caught my eye enough for me to keep them around. It’s usually a talk for a while, and then I just get tired of them and lose interest type of thing. But being unapologetically single (as I like to call it) right now is what’s best for me. I’ve spent the past few years just focusing on me, what I love to do, and figuring out my passions in life. It’s okay to need to work on yourself a little more and it’s okay to admit that. I study psychology, and I sometimes forget to relate my knowledge to myself…..it’s okay to take as much time as you need to mentally heal from things, especially heart break. Do you, boo.

It’s okay to want to make others feel better, but it’s not okay to have that come at the cost of your own feelings. So I took a short hiatus from writing some wonderful women. I decided to work on myself and spend some more self care time on myself and making myself happy.

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Finally signed up to write another wonderful woman who’s in the same boat as me. I decided to steer away from the boy issues for a while and focus on the ones where I could actually give real encouragement for life’s experiences and worries.

It’s time we go and love ourselves for everything that we are and everything that we will be.

I Woke Up in Knoxville

 

If you’re into country music, you may already see the resemblance of the title of this blog to a song by Seth Ennis. “Woke up in Nashville”

Let me just fan girl for a minutes because when I first heard him on YouTube a while back I was hooked. Then his song/s became popular on Pandora and my local radio stations and I’m still not tired of it yet….even with constantly playing them all lol. Not to mention, I got to see him in concert July 8th 😀

His song “Woke up in Nashville” is about leaving behind his ex flame/life to pursue his music career in Nashville. It was once he got there and started living his life and pursing music that he realized what he left behind had been the “real dream.” So it’s not about physically waking up there, it’s more like an epiphany type of waking up. (According to online sources anyway lol)

I realized that I “woke up” in Knoxville. Ironically, it’s not that far away from Nashville and ends in “ville,” so it worked out in my favor lol

If you’re one of my close friends you will understand exactly why I have titled this as such and why I say I woke up in Knoxville. But I digress since I don’t plan to go into details.

I realized quite a few things when I woke up in Knoxville. It mostly all had to do with guys that had been in my life or still were at the time. You could say that I don’t have a good rap sheet when it comes to finding the right guy who treats me how I deserve to be treated. I think it may be easier if I just put them in bullet points and then briefly explain.

SO, I woke up to the fact that…..

I deserve the love I give to others

This should be a given. I realized that I had been giving all of my love away that I didn’t have much love left for myself. I was loving people who didn’t really seem to want it nor appreciate it. Looking back, I’m honestly not sure if they ever did. Yes, you can say “I love you” to someone, but it means nothing unless you truly mean it. I honestly felt so much love for one person, but I didn’t even feel half of it in return. I deserve someone who’s going to love me as much as I do them……and they’re going to not just say it to me, but SHOW ME. I deserve to hear “I love you” followed by giving me your time and showing that you really do love me.

I deserve to be someone’s FIRST choice.

Alright. I’ll say it. I’m tired of little bitch boys who are afraid of being with the person they “claim to love” or “care for”,  let others around them influence them as if their opinions even matter, and those who can’t seem to get their shit together.

Okay, okay. Maybe saying little bitch is kinda rude, but it’s better than the other words that I was thinking as I wrote this… I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard “you’re the best friend I imagined marrying” or “I want you to meet my family” or “I’m coming to see you” or the “I’m always going to be there for you no matter what” or “I love you always. Remember that” and I’m tired of hearing and then not having a word of it be true. I got to hear it from multiple people who would then sleep with anything while “loving” me. That’s called being a fuckboy honestly…..

If you can say those things to someone you love/care about you, you don’t just go sleep with Tom, Dick, and Harry and act like it’s no big deal. I know their parents had to have taught them better than that, right?….

I deserve to be the only choice and not just the girl someone runs back to when they can’t find a fuck buddy or get cheated on and dumped by the girl they chose over me. Love and relationships are hard and sex is easy. I deserve someone willing to go through hard and happy times and still continue to choose me again and again, because I know I’d do the exact same for them. Shit. I DID that. Sleeping or being with someone else was NEVER on my mind, but it seems like I wasn’t even on theirs.  I deserve to be the one and not one of many. I’m not even conceded in saying that. It should be common sense, especially if you love someone and talk/envision the future with them. Imagine your dad doing that to your mom or a guy doing that to you daughter and having to see them hurt because the guy couldn’t be a man and just kept hurting her. Would you think that it was okay? If you have a heart, the answer is no.

 

I deserve honesty.

It’s sad that after the fact, I learned about even more lies that I had been unknowingly told throughout the years. Hello, I’m not stupid, I can and always have put two and two together, and I know when someone is lying to my face. I deserve the truth. I don’t deserve lies about what you’re doing, how you feel about me, who else you’re talking to, or the like. I don’t need to how you’ve lied to your parents or family about me or where you’re going. I deserve someone who will be honest with me from the get go.

 

I don’t deserve to be used and led on.

This should be self-explanatory. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had guys lead me on, just to say “Oh. We were never a thing/never dated, so you’re just ‘being crazy’ over nothing.” Of course, this was after several months or years of acting like I was something to them and they envisioned marrying/dating me.

**Sits here and tells myself not to post screenshots saying otherwise**

 

I deserve good D.

There, I said IT. But this is self-explanatory. I deserve someone who actually cares about the female he’s sleeping with and not just his own little self. End of this discussion. Lol

Lastly, I deserved better.

I deserve so much better than the BS I’ve dealt with in my life. I didn’t deserve to cry myself to sleep over an asshat. I didn’t deserve the lies, being just an option, or used. I definitely didn’t deserve to be the “friend” that just got fucked over. I deserve amazing things and people in my  life.

 

I know I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be. But when you give someone the best of you and love them so hard and they say they love you/care about you, you’d expect to at least get that in return. Hell, or for them to at least me a man and date you. Sometimes I think maybe it was “right person, wrong time” or “just wrong person, worse timing.” Who knows. I’ve had guys try coming back into my life after they had been cheated on and dumped (my girl Karma got my back) and I just feel so dead to them to be honest. Like yeah, Some I can handle being acquaintances with, but my feelings hit the shitter and left. Some I have royally cussed out and told them to go fuck themselves. The biggest thing that I’ve learned is what I DON’T want in a guy.

I definitely woke up and now I can honestly say that I’m living my life in a way that makes me happy and I could care less what people think. I have my friends, family, coworkers, and of course….my fur babies. Life isn’t so bad after all once you realize exactly what you’re worth and then some.

Stay woke.

Homemade Chicken Alfredo

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Yes, I literally made something from scratch and by that….I mean, I made the Alfredo and didn’t buy it in a can from the store lol.

I was literally stuck between making an Alfredo dish or my lasagna pasta dish and my family  voted for Alfredo. Go figure lol I’ve actually made Alfredo from scratch before, but it was just enough for myself and I didn’t feel like use actual milk again because pouring milk into a hot pan literally  freaks me out o.O lol

But let’s get real. You’re here for the recipe so here goes!

Ingredients:

  • 1 very large Chicken boob (the one I used was HUGE lol) or however much chicken you would prefer
  • 1 bag of frozen broccoli cuts
  • 2 cans of chicken broth
  • 1-1/2 C non dairy milk (I used Simple Truth unsweetened almond milk)
  • 1 TBSP of vegatable oil
  • 12 oz box of fettucine
  • Garlic pepper seasoning
  • Parsley
  • Pinch of red pepper flakes

 

Directions:

  • Cut up your chicken boob and cook. Put to the side.
  • Add oil into a pot (you will want the pot big enough to cook the noodles in, as well as tall enough to hold two cans of chicken broth).
  • Let the oil heat up while adding in garlic pepper seasoning, parsely, and red pepper flakes. I mostly just eyeballed it and added it according to my preferences.
  • Add in the chicken broth, non-dairy milk and slightly stir.
  • Add in the fettucine. Unless desired, do not break it. Just let it sit in the pan until it softens enough to fit into the pain.
  • While the pasta cooks, you can go ahead and cook your broccoli cuts.
  • Let cook for about 20-30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Once the sauce has started to thickening, add in the chicken and broccoli cuts. If you like it a little more on the liquidy side, just add more “milk” until the desired consistency.
  • Once the pasta and sauce is to your desired consistency, add in the chicken and broccoli cuts and stir.
  • Finally, serve and then enjoy!

 

 

Butterfinger Protein Shake

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I’ve already shared my Butterfinger Shakeo recipe, but I figured I’d share one for those who don’t drink Shakeo but want something similar tasting.

Ingredients: (I literally eyeball everything lol)

  • about 1 C of almond milk (I used vanilla)
  • 1 Scoop of vanilla whey protein
  • 2 TBSP of chocolate PB2
  • about a 1 tspn of butterscotch instant pudding mix
  • about 1 C of ice

Directions:

  • BLEND and ENJOY!