Why I’m Thankful for my Eating Disorder

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Shocking, right?

I’m sure most people will ask me if I hit my head by saying I’m thankful for my eating disorder. I mean, who would be thankful for hating their body, starving themselves, exercising for hours, and obsessing over numbers. Well, I am

I’m thankful for having Anorexia and Exercise Bulimia because it taught me life lessons and things about myself and the people around me more than anything in this world possibly could.

  1. Actions. Not words. I learned that just because someone says they’re your friend and they “love you” doesn’t mean they really are or that they even care about you. Saying something and doing something are two completely different things. You can tell me you love me and will always be there, but if you leave, you’re a liar.
  2. Boys are no help. I’ve had several guys in my life. They all told me the same thing. “I love you” “I’ll always be here for you” “You can always trust me” It all turned out to be total bullshit. My eating disorder made me believe I needed them to feel accepted and worthy of life. After recovering I realized that was far from true. I could depend on myself and love my own damn self.
  3. Real Friends & Family are everything. I honestly don’t think I could have even survived without them. To this day, they are there and still support me in everything that I do.
  4. Fall madly in love with yourself. This is the most important reason why I’m thankful for my eating disorder. Why? If I hadn’t gone through all of my ED, would I accept my body and not shame it. Probably not. Now I sit down and have rolls. I bend over and have rolls. My stomach giggles and you know what? I accept every damn part of me. I never thought it would take an eating disorder to make me love myself and want to live for the future, but it did. We only have one body to live in. So love it, accept it, and fall in love with yourself. Once you do, it’s amazing what type of people you can attract.🙂

Thanksgiving Isn’t Easy For Everyone

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It’s Thanksgiving Day. I used to dread this day the most out of every day and holiday of the entire year.

I used to hope that I wouldn’t wake and didn’t have to endure this day at all. Because when you want to avoid food, dying in your sleep is totally the answer, right? At least that’s how I felt. From the moment my feet hit the floor, I was ridden with anxiety and a fear of the meal that was to be consumed later that day.

I would purposely not eat dinner the night before and would literally starve all day until it was time for THE “dinner.” I use the word dinner in quotations since we usually eat between lunch and dinner time. I would ask about each dish that was to be served so that I could look up a rough estimate as to how many calories I’d be consuming. I would even go as far as cooking a few dishes because I would know for sure what was in it. Those dishes were also under 100 calories per serving and that sounded amazing considering I would only eat half a serving anyway.

I won’t even bother going into full detail about the behaviors I exhibited during that time, but just know that eating that plate would take me about 30-45 minutes and it was pretty much only a spoonful of each thing. Not to mention that my exercise belts, a workout DVD, and about 1,000-2,000 crunches would happen not too long after consuming my meal.

If was the definition of Hell on Earth. I wanted so badly to enjoy it and just live, but I just couldn’t…

Thankfully, that’s not the case anymore. I’ve been counting down the days until I could come home and stuff my face full of food. I’m actually helping to make the food again, but trust me….this time it’s definitely not a low calorie dish.

I’m so thankful that I leave my eating disorder at the front door these days. I like to use this phrase because I leave it behind and completely enjoy myself. I used to let it sneak in behind me and completely ruin my dinners. Not anymore though! She has to set on the porch in the cold while I stuff my face with food and slowly slip into a food induced coma.

Every holiday season, I remember what it used to be like to have to endure the anxieties and fear of the ample amounts of food and treats. My heart is with all of those who will pull up a chair to the table, slap on a fake smile, and force themselves to eat just enough to make everyone else at the table happy….except themselves. I want you to listen to me closely when I say this. That turkey, or sweet potato casserole, or mashed potatoes, or that stuffing is NOT going to kill you. I know you feel like it will and that it will make you fat, but love….it won’t. However, your eating disorder can kill you. It can take away everything you love and desire and it can take away your life. Don’t let your control over food or the scale or even calories take away your life. I know there was once a time in your life where you never feared food. I want that time to be now and forever more too. Eat because you love yourself.

I know it’s extremely hard to do, especially in a time where everyone is bitching to “watch what you eat this time of year” or “you know the average person gains 8-10lbs during the holidays” but screw them. How are you supposed to recover in a society that idealizes thinness and values LOSING weight when you need to gain it in order to live. Our society makes it extremely difficult to recover from an eating disorder given that its focus is on thinness and any new gimmick to help you “lose that fat.” Loves, just fuck society. Eat your meals, look in the mirror, and love yourself. You got this❤️
But speaking of those gimmicks…..screw all of that. Every holiday season it’s cleanse this or detox that or skinny tea this or fat burning pills that..or whatever other bullshit they’re marketing these days. Here’s a secret. It’s literally just several days of nothing but drinking liquids that will make you either piss or shit your brains out. Because….get this. Most of them contain diuretics or laxatives. It’s just helping you to lose maybe just water weight but nothing more. It’s not going to burn fat for you just by drinking it, you actually have to move in order to burn off fat. I mean, if people want diuretics, just drink a few pots of coffee a day and that will do the trick. I know that from personal experience. It does a whirlwind to people psychologically though. You tell them that it’ll help them lose weight and after their 3-7 days are over they automatically “feel great” even though there’s barely any change at all, if any in many cases. I will never condone drinking just liquids for days at a time just to “debloat.”

Do you know what else you can drink to debloat and you can find it anywhere? It’s also less than a DOLLAR. It’s called water. You drink your daily recommended amount and get in a nice cardio sesh and BAM, the bloat is gone or almost gone. People just want to sell you their bull shit in a box or bag and give the impression that it’s a bad thing to be bloated or have gained a few pounds. For fucks sake take a chill pill, people. People bloat every damn day. It’s not the end of the world and it’s not a reason to buy that BS. I become so bloated by the end of the day whether I eat 1,000 calories or 3,000. It’s life, my friends. It’s life. People start preying on others around the holidays because they know people are worried about gaining those pounds that are said to happen to the “average” person. (Also, what is average anymore these days-get real).

Then you have those people fasting several days before Thanksgiving to allow them to eat more and not worry about gaining weight and they sometimes fast afterwards too because people online tell them it “works.” Well, hate to break it to you, but that’s a good way to gain weight and screw up your metabolism.

I’m all for being active and eating plenty to nourish your body, but I’m not for instilling insecurities or shame upon people just because it’s the holidays and they want to enjoy it and might gain a few pounds. Gaining a few pounds isn’t the end of the world. I work out, I eat(I’m about to eat a lot today with no regrets), and I love myself enough to do so. I eat to workout, not workout to eat. Enjoy your meals today my friends and tell everyone that’s saying to watch what you eat or to control your portions or whatever BS they throw at you to just shut up. You don’t have to “earn” that piece of pie, you can just eat it because you want to. Enjoy yourself.💛