Cat’s out of the Bag: I’m NOT Lesbian!

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My title more or less says it all. I’ve been asked NUMEROUS times if I’m lesbian because I’ve never dated anyone. Well, to be honest….the guys that have been in my life haven’t been all that great..but that’s a story for another time.

I’ve heard “you’re beautiful and smart and amazing, so why are you single?” more times than I’d like to count. I’ve also gotten the question of “When are you going to settle down and actually find someone?”   It’s as though people assume I need a partner to function in life. Welcome to today’s society where not dating a man equates to being lesbian. What’s up with this, society?

Growing up, I’d have friends look at a guy they didn’t even know and say “I’d like to fuck him any day of the week” or anything to that extent. I’d joke and laugh along and sometimes agree, but I surely did not feel that way.

I’d be asked why I didn’t go out on dates with any guys. I was never really self confident around guys, but I really just did not have any interest in going out on a date. Then the dreaded, “You’re *insert age* why have you never dated anyone??” I hated this question the most. There were a few guys in my life, but they never wanted to date me. It seemed like they just kept me around for their benefit until they were done with me. I would’ve liked to have dated them, but that wasn’t in my power.

I’d even have people say “I’ll find you a really great guy” or “I’ll find you a guy with a great dick”…or whatever they thought I was looking for. They’d show me pictures of guys and I’d just have a “blah” expression on my face about it. Don’t get me wrong, I can find people attractive on a standard basis.  I remember when Magic Mike came out and nearly every girl wanted to run to the theaters to go see it. Me? I was repulsed and wanted nothing to do with that movie. Still haven’t watched it and don’t plan on it….I’ve seen a few scenes in passing, but never the whole thing.

Then the day came….Someone finally asked me if I was a lesbian and if that was why I’d never dated anyone or had interest in many guys.

After a long time of people saying these things to me and constantly asking me these questions, I really started to wonder “what was wrong” with me.

However, there’s a reason behind all of this. It took me until my 21st year of life to finally figure out that there was nothing wrong with me. I somehow came across the answer on Instagram of all places. There was a picture that was talking about sexuality and upon reading it, I decided to do my own research over the following weeks. It took me some time to finally understand it and tell my friends that I’d found something that finally described me.

I finally realized….I’m demisexual.

I know many people have probably never heard of this term before in their lives, but neither had I until this past spring. In summation, it’s the “sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.” I did my research and found many blogs that talked of their life as a demisexual and I realized I wasn’t alone.

What is Demisexuality?

Here is a link to a website which can tell you a little more about the topic. I prefer to just stick to how it pertains to my life. In reading the article it will help you to better understand this even more.

However, just as with ADHD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc…it’s different for everyone.

As for me, I have to feel an enormous connection with someone before I even can think about having sex with them. For me, I just am attracted men. That’s different for others whereas they can be attracted to either sex.  An example I like to use is as follows… If Channing Tatum was in my bed right now, and we were both completely naked with his full fledged erection in my face…..I still would not even think about having sex with him. I’m dead serious too.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had sex and all, but I loved the person it was with and they were my world until they left. However, in all honesty…it took me about two years to even legitimately think about physically having sex with them. We were best friends, I loved him, I eventually became sexually attracted to him and it happened. I’m not here to say that I’m attracted to every one of my best friends and want to have sex with them. FAR OFF on that one. Just because I have an emotional bond with someone and trust them, does not mean I will definitely feel sexually attracted to them later on .

There were a few other guys in my life, who I thought I was feeling emotionally bonded to, but the sexual attraction just never quite manifested and I could never actually bring myself to have sex with them. I needed an emotional bond with them that I felt was strong enough for me to accept, and it just never became of anything.

While I’m on the topic of sex, I’ll go ahead and talk about the “M” word. Yes, I’m talking about masturbation. It’s completely normal, people. Since I plan to be a psychologist, I can go into the many benefits that it has for you and it also helps to show your partner what you like, but I digress. For some demisexuals, they are just not into any thing relating to sex and they refrain from masturbation (some for religious reasons). I for one, I am not one of them. After some not so good sex, you kinda have to learn how to give yourself a hand in that department. (See what I did there. lol).  However, I could go without sex. It’s not a big deal in my life, and I know how to take care of any sexual frustration, if I have any, by myself. People ask how I survive without having sex “all the time” and I give them the reply of “I drink water, eat food, and sleep…” That’s how you survive…

Aside from sex, being demisexual makes relationships hard. I don’t enjoy going out on dates with people. First dates are one of my least favorite things. I feel the pressure to make a connection right away, especially if they just want to date, so that I can walk away or not. I just don’t want to waste a person’s time if I already feel like I will never become sexually attracted to them. I just feel like dating is useless to me because I need to become a close friend with them first, but becoming their friend/getting close takes a long time for me to do.

It’s a natural response to want to find someone to be with, but with being demisexual, you really wonder what will happen. Sometimes, some of us just only “choose” several people in our lifetime or maybe even just one person. It’s hard to determine.

Being a demisexual and having had my heart broken makes it even more difficult. The one person I’d had the strongest connection with walked out of my life and broke every promise they made. (it was a HE in case that wasn’t clear from the title).

I’d invested SO much time into this one person. I’d given so much of my time getting close to them, making a connection, and then loving them. I really thought that this was going to be THE person for me. Life had other ideas though.

I’ve had trust issues my entire life. I’ve also been through an eating disorder, and other mental illnesses, but this person was the only one I’d ever felt something for this strongly. I could brush other guys from my life off just like that, but it was so much harder with this one. I’d spent over half a decade making a connection, for nothing to come out of it. When you’re demisexual, that shit hits hard. Really hard. It’s hard enough to become sexually attracted to someone, much less make an emotional bond like that.

It really makes me wonder if I should ever have an emotional bond between someone again and become sexually attracted to them….just to end up wasting my time. I don’t have years of my life to do that. I have education, career, and life goals here people! They come first before caring about making an emotional bond with someone to actually date/have sex with them. I like dick just as much as the next, but I can live without it.

Until now, only my close friends know that I’m demisexual. But now you all know as well. So don’t freak out.  I’m always open for questions about this, especially since I didn’t discuss even a fourth of the many aspects of many demisexuals. It’s interesting to see how other people can relate and how each person has a different experience.